The Seven Stages of Grief: Do They Really Exist?

When someone we love dies, or sometimes even while we are preparing to say goodbye, we enter a period of grief. Losing someone close to us is often one of the most difficult experiences we will ever face. It is hardly surprising, then, that grief can be overwhelming, taking many different forms and bringing with it all sorts of emotional ups and downs.

Grief is different for everyone. Some people find comfort in talking about their loss, while others prefer to withdraw and spend time alone. Sadness may be accompanied by anger, disbelief or guilt, but there may also be moments of peace, gratitude or even happiness. And something that feels manageable one day can suddenly feel unbearable the next.

Yet we often hear people talk about the seven stages of grief. These stages are said to describe the emotions and experiences we may encounter as we grieve. Perhaps you have come across them before, or perhaps you have found your way to this article because you are wondering which stage of grief you might be experiencing.

But does grief really unfold in seven consecutive stages? And what does it mean if you do not recognise certain stages, experience them in a different order, or find yourself returning to feelings you thought you had already moved beyond?

In this article, we explore where the idea of the seven stages of grief originated, which stages are commonly identified, and what we now understand about the grieving process. Along the way, we will consider both what these models can teach us and where their limitations lie.

Why We Look for Explanations When We Grieve

When we lose someone, so much can change in a very short space of time. Not only in our everyday lives, but also in the way we feel and respond to the world around us. Emotions may arise unexpectedly, come and go, or even seem to contradict one another. Particularly when our own reactions feel unfamiliar, it is only natural to want to understand what is happening to us.

Why, for example, might one day feel manageable, only for grief to overwhelm us the next? Why do we sometimes feel angry when we expected to feel nothing but sadness? And why might there be a sense of relief alongside the sorrow, perhaps after watching someone we love endure a long illness?

At the same time, the period following a death often brings a great many practical responsibilities. Decisions need to be made, people must be informed, and arrangements have to be taken care of, sometimes before the reality of the loss has even begun to sink in. The combination of emotional upheaval and practical demands can feel overwhelming. It may leave us with little opportunity to pause and consider what we are truly feeling, let alone understand where those feelings are coming from.

It is therefore understandable that so many people look for reassurance, recognition and a sense of direction. Finding an explanation for what we are experiencing can help us make sense of our emotions and ease some of the uncertainty surrounding them. Models such as the seven stages of grief can offer a degree of comfort in this respect. Not because they tell us exactly how we should grieve, but because they can help us put words to experiences that might otherwise be difficult to understand.

Where Did the Seven Stages of Grief Come From?

The idea that grief can be understood in distinct stages became widely known in 1969 through the work of Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. In her book On Death and Dying, she described five stages that people may experience when confronted with their own approaching death. Her observations were based on conversations with, and observations of, patients who were seriously ill or nearing the end of their lives.

The Five Stages of Grief According to Kübler-Ross

The five stages described by Kübler-Ross were:

• Denial: finding it difficult to face the reality of what is happening.

• Anger: experiencing anger about the situation and its circumstances.

• Bargaining: searching for ways to change the situation or somehow influence the outcome.

• Depression: experiencing profound sadness, low mood and a sense of loss.

• Acceptance: gradually coming to terms with what is happening, without necessarily leaving all difficult emotions behind.

  
  

Although the original model concerned people facing their own approaching death, its ideas were later applied to other experiences of loss, including the death of a loved one. Kübler-Ross herself also explored bereavement in her later work. In On Grief and Grieving (2005), which she wrote with grief specialist David Kessler, the authors emphasised that the five stages do not follow a fixed order and that different emotions can exist alongside one another.

From Five Stages to Seven

Over the years, various adaptations and extensions of the original model emerged. Other experiences, such as shock, guilt and the search for new meaning, were incorporated into descriptions of the grieving process. This eventually gave rise to several models outlining seven stages of grief.

However, there is no single, officially recognised or scientifically established model of the seven stages of grief. The precise names and definitions of the stages vary depending on the source. Nevertheless, these models are still frequently associated with Kübler-Ross, as her original work provided much of the foundation on which they were built.

What Are the Seven Stages of Grief?

Now that we have explored where the idea of the seven stages of grief comes from, we can take a closer look at the feelings and experiences these models describe. Although different versions exist, certain emotions appear time and again. These include disbelief, sadness, anger and the gradual process of finding a new sense of balance after a loss.

Many people will recognise some of these feelings, but they do not necessarily arise in the same way or in the same order for everyone. The seven stages can therefore offer a way of understanding and describing what someone is going through, without dictating how their personal grieving process should unfold.

One commonly used interpretation of the seven stages of grief is as follows.

1. Shock and Denial

After the death of someone close to us, it can be difficult to comprehend what has happened. Everything may feel strangely unreal, as though the loss has not quite sunk in. Some people experience a sense of numbness, while others find comfort in focusing on practical arrangements and the tasks that need to be done.

2. Pain and Guilt

As the reality of the loss begins to sink in, feelings of sadness and longing may become more pronounced. These emotions are sometimes accompanied by guilt or thoughts about what we might have done differently. It is important to remember that having such thoughts does not mean that anything was actually done wrong.

3. Anger and Bargaining

Grief can also bring feelings of anger. Anger at the loss itself, at the circumstances surrounding it, or at the sense that life has been deeply unfair. We may also find ourselves imagining how things might have turned out differently, almost as though we are still trying to change something that can no longer be changed.

4. Sadness and Depression

The absence of someone we love can be felt in countless ways, sometimes most acutely in the smallest details of everyday life. Some people prefer to spend more time alone during this period, while others seek companionship and support. Although this stage is sometimes referred to as ‘depression’, experiencing sadness while grieving does not automatically mean that someone has clinical depression.

5. A Gradual Turning Point

With time, there may be moments when life begins to feel a little lighter again. Perhaps everyday activities become easier to manage, or there is renewed space for enjoyment and connection with others. This does not mean that the sadness has disappeared, but rather that other feelings are beginning to find their place alongside the grief.

6. Reconstruction and Working Through Grief

Gradually, a new sense of balance may begin to emerge, with the loss becoming part of everyday life in a different way. Routines change, new memories are made, and there may once again be energy to look towards the future. Working through grief does not mean forgetting someone. It means finding a way to continue living while carrying the loss with us.

7. Acceptance and Hope

Acceptance does not mean that the sadness has ended or that the loss no longer hurts. Rather, it involves gradually learning to live in a world where the person we love is no longer physically present. Over time, there may be room for hope and plans for the future, while love and cherished memories remain.

Although these seven stages describe experiences that many people may recognise, this does not mean that everyone will go through all of them. Feelings may come and go, exist alongside one another, or return after a period of time. The model is therefore best understood as a way of making sense of grief, rather than a fixed pattern that every grieving person is expected to follow.

Why Grief Rarely Follows a Set Pattern

Not everything in life follows a clearly defined path. The same is true of the way we experience loss and the emotions that come with it. Although models such as the seven stages of grief attempt to describe certain feelings and experiences, research has shown that grief does not develop according to one universal pattern. Our emotions are simply too personal, changeable and complex for that.

You may, for example, begin to feel a little more at ease after a period of intense sadness. Perhaps everyday life starts to become more manageable, until an unexpected event or memory brings the sense of loss sharply back into focus. Sometimes, it is only when we begin to find a little breathing space that we become aware of another aspect of our grief, one that had barely registered before.

This does not mean that you are back where you started. Grief is not a process in which every step forward is permanent and difficult emotions are left behind for good. On an otherwise ordinary day, a sudden wave of sadness may take you by surprise. Equally, even on a day filled with sorrow, there may be room for a smile or a cherished memory.

Feeling sadness again is not necessarily a sign that you are struggling to move forward. It may simply mean that your sense of loss is making itself felt in a different way. And that is perfectly all right, no matter how much time has passed.

How Do Grief Specialists Understand Grief Today?

Although the stages of grief are still commonly used to describe emotions and experiences, grief specialists also look at bereavement in other ways. Over the years, different models have been developed that allow more room for the personal and ever-changing ways in which people respond to loss.

The Dual Process Model

In 1999, grief researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut described how people may move between confronting their loss and engaging with everyday life. At times, sadness, longing and memories may take centre stage, while at others there is room for work, relaxation or new experiences. According to this model, moving between these two aspects of life can play an important role in adjusting to bereavement.

William Worden’s Tasks of Mourning

American psychologist William Worden identified four tasks that people may encounter during the grieving process: accepting the reality of the loss, working through the pain associated with it, adjusting to life without the person who has died, and finding a lasting connection with them while continuing to live. He explores this approach in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. These tasks do not need to be completed in a particular order and may overlap.

Continuing Bonds

In the past, grieving was often understood as a process of learning to ‘let go’ of the person who had died. Today, greater recognition is given to the importance of maintaining a lasting connection. Memories, rituals and familiar traditions can help us preserve our bond with someone we love, even as that relationship takes on a different form. This approach is known as continuing bonds and was explored in the influential 1996 book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, edited by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman.

Is It Normal to Feel Completely Different?

The short answer is yes, absolutely. You may recognise yourself in several of the stages of grief, but it is equally possible that your experiences bear little resemblance to what these models describe. Some people experience profound sadness, while others feel mainly emptiness, calm or even relief. Emotions may also remain in the background for a long time, without this saying anything about the significance of the loss.

As human beings, we often compare our feelings with those of others. This is entirely understandable. Recognising our own experiences in someone else's can be a great source of comfort. Hearing that another person has been through something similar may reassure us and help us better understand our own emotions. Sometimes, it can even give us permission to acknowledge feelings we previously struggled to make sense of.

At the same time, comparisons can also create uncertainty. What if someone else seems far more upset than we are? Or what if another person is able to return to their usual routine after a few months, while we still feel nowhere near ready? Because grief is so deeply personal, the way someone else responds to loss does not determine how you should feel or what your own experience ought to look like.

There is no measure of how much sadness someone should feel, how visibly they should express it, or how long it should last. Your feelings do not need to resemble anyone else's, nor do they need to fit within the seven stages of grief. They are valid, even when you do not yet fully understand them yourself.

What Can Help When You Are Grieving?

Just as grief does not follow a fixed course, there is no single answer to what might help us cope with the loss of someone we love. What brings comfort to one person may not help another. And something that offers relief one day may feel difficult or overwhelming the next. Grieving is a deeply personal experience, and it is important to pay attention to your own needs and feelings, without placing expectations on yourself about how you ought to cope.

Perhaps you find peace in spending time alone, while at other moments you long for the company of family or friends. You might find that going for a walk, dancing or doing something you enjoy brings a little comfort. Or perhaps you prefer to seek out quiet moments, allowing yourself time to remember and reflect on the person you miss.

Maintaining a connection with your loved one can also bring comfort. This might mean continuing traditions you once shared, visiting a place that was special to you both, or finding your own way to honour cherished memories. Sometimes, comfort is found in the smallest, most familiar moments that help keep someone's memory alive.

For many people, a balance gradually develops between returning to everyday life and consciously making space for grief. This is precisely what the dual process model describes. At one moment, the sense of loss may be at the forefront of your mind, while at another there is room for relaxation, new experiences or simply the ordinary routines of daily life. You do not need to be thinking about your grief all the time to honour the love you feel for someone.

Whatever brings you comfort, try to give yourself the freedom to discover what you need at any particular moment. Those needs may change, and you do not always have to know exactly what they are. Sometimes, taking each day as it comes, with everything it brings, is enough.

You can also find further information and practical guidance on our website about the period after the funeral.

When Might It Be Helpful to Seek Additional Support?

Grief is not a problem that needs to be fixed. Nevertheless, additional support can be valuable if you find that your loss continues to have a significant impact on your everyday life, or if you feel that you are struggling to cope on your own.

Perhaps everyday tasks are becoming increasingly difficult, you feel constantly overwhelmed by sadness, or there seems to be very little room for other emotions. This does not mean that you are grieving in the wrong way. Sometimes, the weight of a loss simply feels too heavy to carry alone.

When these difficulties persist over a long period and continue to seriously affect everyday life, there may be a condition known as prolonged grief disorder. A GP or specialist can help assess what kind of support may be appropriate. However, you do not need to wait until your grief feels unbearable before reaching out for help.

On my aftercare page, you will find Dutch organisations that can offer support during bereavement, including Stichting Nabestaandenzorg, and Expertisecentrum Omgaan met Verlies. If you would prefer to speak to someone in English, you can also ask your GP about English-speaking bereavement counsellors or other suitable support services. Your GP can help you explore the options available and arrange a referral where appropriate.

You are also very welcome to get in touch with me personally. As an English-speaking funeral director in Haarlem and the surrounding area, I support international families and am always happy to offer a listening ear and help you explore what support might be most appropriate for your circumstances.

Grief Has No Fixed Path

The seven stages of grief can help us make sense of emotions that are sometimes difficult to understand. But no model can ever fully capture what it means to lose someone we love. Our memories, our relationships and the ways in which we experience life are simply too personal for that.

Perhaps you recognise yourself in some of the stages, perhaps in all of them, or perhaps in none at all. Whatever your experience, you do not have to follow a particular sequence or reach acceptance within a certain amount of time.

Grief is not about leaving behind the person you miss. It is about finding a way to continue living, while allowing love and memories to remain part of your life.

So give yourself the space to find your own way, at your own pace and in a way that feels right for you. And remember that you do not have to carry everything alone.

Frequently Asked Questions About the Stages of Grief

What Is the Difference Between the Five and Seven Stages of Grief?

The five stages were introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The seven-stage model is a later extension that identifies experiences such as shock, guilt and recovery as separate stages. Neither follows a fixed sequence.

How Long Does Grief Last?

There is no set timeframe. For many people, the first year can be particularly difficult, with birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions taking place without the person they have lost. Grief can also resurface years later, and this is entirely normal. If sadness continues to dominate your everyday life after a year or longer, it may be helpful to seek professional support.

Which Stage of Grief Am I In?

It is often difficult to say exactly, and there is no need to identify a particular stage. Most people experience different emotions at the same time and may find themselves returning to feelings they have experienced before. This does not mean that you are moving backwards.

Is Grief the Same as Depression?

No. Sadness and low mood are natural responses to loss. During grief, sadness often comes in waves, and there may still be room for positive memories. If you are unsure whether what you are experiencing is grief or depression, it is worth speaking to your GP.

When Does Grief Become Complicated?

If the sense of loss remains intensely painful over a prolonged period and significantly affects everyday functioning, there may be a condition known as prolonged grief disorder. A bereavement counsellor or psychologist can help you find appropriate support.