TOGETHER A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, UNTIL THE FUNERAL

Choices surrounding visitation and laying out are deeply emotional. Will someone remain at home until the ceremony, or does it feel more right to choose a funeral home or house of farewell? In practice, I see great differences between families. Yet whatever choice is made usually reflects the people left behind, especially when they allow themselves to follow what feels right.

I was once involved in the funeral of a gentleman from Haarlem. The family of this husband, father and grandfather chose to keep him at home. That was where he had lived, surrounded by the people he loved, and it was there that they said goodbye. Friends stopped by to write a final message on the coffin, while the young grandchildren added little drawings beside them. People laughed, cried, and shared memories together. Later, as he was brought to the funeral car for the service, the grandchildren sang the silly song their grandfather had always used to make them laugh.

A very different choice was made for a lady who had passed away after a long illness in a care home. Her children decided to have her transferred to a funeral home. They did not wish to visit her there, preferring instead to remember their mother as she had been in happier, healthier days. The farewell ceremony took place in the family home, where her son was now living. It was personal and intimate. Afterwards, the guests formed a guard of honour in the garden. As their mother was carried to the funeral car, her loved ones waved goodbye to her one final time.

Personal values

I was also deeply touched by a son and daughter who chose to lay out their father on a wooden bier they had made themselves. Jokingly, they referred to it as a shuffleboard table. At the market, they bought lengths of unbleached cotton which were wrapped gently around their father’s body. Upon his chest, they placed a single rose. In all its simplicity, it was beautiful. Their father had lived a modest life, and this was their way of honouring that.

Just as people shape their lives according to their own values, ideas about where and how a loved one should rest before the funeral differ from family to family. The more clearly those wishes are expressed, the better a funeral director can help find the setting and possibilities that truly fit. In truth, it is something worth reflecting on together long before the moment arrives…